Ash Wednesday Reflections

Today is Ash Wednesday 2007. Not the first time this formerly fundamentalist pentecostal turned Episcopalian has embraced Lent, however maybe the first time that I have done so with quite as much personal meaning.

Though I recognized, at the very first day of my "exodus" out of my former way of life, that God does indeed send angels to attend to His children, I spent the next several years shaking my fist at perceived enemies. With an often sense of hopelessness, I've been so very angry at the injustice that I, along with countless other LGBT people have recieved. I've experienced the sometimes physically and emotionally painful results of allowing that bitterness to overwhelm me, all the while praying (not always or often in traditional or even "acceptable" ways) that somehow light would break through.

It seems appropriate that on this day marking the beginning of the Lenten season I am reflecting on dying and resurrection. At this moment, my own repeated experiences of dying and resurrection. I remember sitting here at the computer a while back so full of emotional pain at finally realizing that what I had embraced for decades of my life was simply not able to embrace me in return. I silently cried out from deep inside "God, this feels like dying!!" The most remarkable answer came to my awareness: "That's exactly what I have in mind".

It had never occured to me that I had spent my entire life trying in every way possible to be acceptable to those in my life who mattered; those who I simply loved and from whom I simply sought to be loved in return with no conditional strings attached. Then, my friend Joan gave me a most meaningful gift of the audio book version of Henri Nouwen's THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON at the beginning of this New Year, and it's been another of those angelic visitations as my desire is to be utterly saturated with the message that sets us free from the pain of rejection and the need for external validation. The message that can and will bring such profound healing to you and to me is simply hearing God whisper to our hearts ... in those quiet times when we are willing to turn from those clamoring voices of accusation and seduction ...."You are my Beloved ... on whom My favor rests". There is more, much more that I want to share regarding this beautifully life changing meditation by Fr. Nouwen, yet those words alone have been profoundly life changing for me, as I believe they can be for you.

And so, in closing this Ash Wednesday reflection I am considering that it seems altogether appropriate to reflect on resurrection because it is so intimately associated with dying. I don't believe Fr. Nouwen would mind if I share this brief quote in reference to the prodigal son as well as the elder brother who, though never physically leaving his father's house, lived ever as much in "the far country" as his younger brother.

"... When I pay careful attention to what goes on in my mind from moment to moment, I come to the disconcerting discovery that there are very few moments during my day when I am really free from these dark emotions, passions and feelings. Constantly falling back into an old trap before I'm really even aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone elses success, my own lonliness and the way the world abuses me. Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful and very famous. All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One, on whom God's favor rests. I'm so afraid of being disliked, blamed, put aside, passed over, ignored, persecuted and killed that I am constantly developing strategies to defend myself and therefore assure myself of the love I think I need and deserve. In doing so, I move far away from my Father's home and chose to dwell in a distant country."

My prayer and intention during these 40 days of Lent is that, seeking the heart of the Father, I would learn to "live and move and have my being" in Christ in such a way that beyond all other ambition or desire, my innermost being would be continually aware that you and I are The Beloved, on whom God's favor rests.

Peace to you and your house,
Will

Beyond The Wall .. There is Life Abundant

When the circumstances of my life caused me to look beyond the paradigms and traditions I had known for the majority of my life, the words David wrote in Psalm 18:29 (using New Life Version) came to mind: "With Your help I can go against many soldiers. With my God I can jump over a wall." It's become an ongoing and very exciting journey, and here I am to share it with you. The "soldiers" in that passage speak to me of the almost overwhelming number of those who make up the "religious right", who seem to stand in polar opposition to nearly everything I represent and to which I am committed as a Christian. For you the "soldiers" may be other forces, groups, people who might challenge who you are and what you represent. I am generally a fairly quiet and well mannered guy, yet the challenge I have faced when it comes to the "soldiers" has been in selecting the weapons of my warfare. It's been a process as I have learned to use the most effective means of confronting, diffusing, and making ineffective those things which negatively affect so many lives.I was participating in a PRIDE celebration a few years ago, when the "soldiers" of hatred were present, carrying signs that said "God hates Fags", "Queers will burn" ... you get the idea. They had bullhorns that they were using to scream lies about God and the LGBT people God so dearly loves. My reaction was to get up in their faces attempting to scream them down. At the time I thought THAT was the right thing to do, yet I've been learning that God has a better way, and it's to that way that I am committed. Matthew 5:16 instructs us to ... Even so let your light shine before people; that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.I believe that we are all familiar with "the walls" ... those thought patterns which hold us in bondage to less than optimal circumstances, the accusations and denigration of those who don't know us, dont understand us, and therefore react to us in various expressions of fear. Essentially the walls represent ANYTHING that diminishes our experience of the abundant life that Jesus said He came to give us. I lived the majority of my life not realizing that I was held captive to the very human and fallible opinions of those in my family whom I dearly love, and also to the larger "family"; the fundamentalist church of which I was a very involved part. As a gay man, I lived with a more or less anesthetized sense that I didn't REALLY belong and never could, and so I spent my years in those circles attempting to serve God on one hand, while continually looking over my shoulder for fear of being discovered ... and ending up where I eventually landed anyway .. on the outside of that world.The truth is, had it not been for that experience, which was virtually a dying experience, I never would have known the power of resurrection in this present life. I never would have known the utter necessity of taking that leap over the wall .. thus discovering a world where I could be honest. I could live with utter integrity, and most importantly I could represent The Lord Christ without any longer fearing that somehow I don't measure up. I've come to realize that Christ within me is completely embraced in the economy of God, and that surely, truly I am accepted in The Beloved, just as God has promised ... and so are you.